non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
