: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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