somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
