i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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