We're facebook friends in real life
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
