My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize