He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
