Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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