my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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