don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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