Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
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I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
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debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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