Non-Jews are for practice
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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