It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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