HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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