You just made me feel so damn special
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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