i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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