I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It's shark week go big or go home
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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