i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
