My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i used baking grease as lip gloss
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
