Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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