There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm passing your future prison.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
