Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
