rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
