well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
