i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
