By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you didnt know i had herpes?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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