Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
