I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
