I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
