I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
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It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
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Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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