I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
