i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
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