Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You've changed since you got that strap on
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
