I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
