ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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