His pubic hair was longer than his dick
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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