I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
try to milk me bitch
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