I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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