I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
