I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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