This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
