just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
