I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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