when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
