Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
