She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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