There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
