it was like his penis was on wheels.
i wish my penis had a tongue
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
