You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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