Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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