I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
