I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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