I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
