I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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