Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
