dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
