My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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