a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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